


Heels

by NikauRifka



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Casual Enemies, Oneshot, ZADE, ZaGf, just dumb stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:41:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22157983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikauRifka/pseuds/NikauRifka
Summary: The evolution of enemy relations can go quite far, from throwing muffins at each other, to bludgeoning each other with baseball bats, to befriending the other's scary gamer sister.Zim and Gaz bond over footwear. That's all.
Relationships: Dib & Zim (Invader Zim), Gaz & Zim (Invader Zim)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 57





	Heels

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all I don't know if you know this but I've got a soft spot for casual zagf.

I'm going to kill you so badly you're gonna be dead by the time I'm done with you!" Dib shouted at his tiny green nemesis of six years. He couldn't believe it either; here he was 18 years old and still making horrible childish threats. What was the matter with him?

"Your threats are beginning to bore me, Stink-man. Go play with your ghost things and leave Zim alone before I am forced to destroy you for good," Zim waved his hand as if he were dismissing the teenager. He looked away from him like he wasn't worth the dirt on his boots.

"What are you planning this time, Zim?" Dib demanded, shoving the irken back a couple of feet, "Huh? _Huh?!_ Tell me!"

Zim reeled, nearly falling off balance as he skidded across the linoleum. He bared his teeth and growled up at the human. "Like I would tell you!" He hissed, stomping his boot angrily, "You still smell like a smeet, worm-spittle! When are you gonna grow out of it, huh??"

"When are _you_ gonna grow out of your delusional ideas that you're somehow smart enough to take over the Earth, huh?" Dib jibed back.

"You're just jealous I have better insults than you, fool boy," Zim sneered. He crossed his arms and contorted his mouth into a facsimile of a toothy smile.

Dib just blinked at him for five seconds before shouting, "Get out of my house!" Then he retrieved his emergency baseball bat from beneath the couch and held it threateningly in his tight fists.

Zim yelped and ran into the kitchen. Dib followed close behind, swinging the metal bat just inches behind the small alien.

"I was invited here, Mucus-brain!" Zim shrieked, climbing onto the fridge to escape Dib's murderous rampage.

"Invited?" Dib growled. He grabbed the invader by the ankle and yanked him off the kitchen appliance, tossing him to the floor. He raised the bar threateningly over his ugly, green, wigged head. "I would never invite you."

"I didn't say _you_ invited me, pig," Zim snapped, covering his head with his arms as he flinched.

"Oh yeah?" Dib scoffed, "Who invited you then, huh? My dad or something? Yeah right. Just because he doesn't see that you're an alien doesn't mean he's a complete idiot-"

"Zim! So glad to see you could make it!" Professor Membrane exclaimed as he marched into the kitchen, his trademark lab coat flurrying behind him.

Zim smirked up at the hostile teenager. "Of course, I thought it was one of your foolhardy plans to capture me and show me off to your idiot father," he told him, voice hushed so only Dib could hear it, "Turns out I'm just charming." He punctuated the sentence with a mischievous wink.

"Son, stop physically assaulting your friend and offer him something to drink," Membrane chastised as Zim clambered to his feet and sneered up at Dib.

Without any preamble, Dib yanked off Zim's wig, a bored look on his face as he held it high above the alien's head.

"Hey!" Zim barked, jumping up and down to try and grab it out of his hand, his antennae completely visible and bobbing up and down behind him.

"Dad," Dib sighed, rubbing his temple, "Zim is so obviously an alien it's not even funny anymore. It's just sad."

"Son, it's not very nice to accuse someone of being an alien just because they have premature balding," Membrane told him sternly. Zim completely unsubtly rose up on his PAK legs and snatched the wig out of the human's hand, grimacing in his face as he put it back on angrily.

"Speaking of which, my child, it's about time we talked about something," the Professor put an arm around Dib's shoulder, leading him out of he kitchen and down the hall as he spoke, "I know I'm not around enough, and I know you have a lot of questions. You're a growing man, now. That means that very soon, you are going to be experiencing some major changes in your body."

Dib's face lit up in a red blush as he looked helplessly back at the confused irken. "Dad! I'm 18!" He cried in dismay.

"Now, now, it's never too late to have the talk, my dear child. You're probably finding hair all over your body, and your psychologically impaired premature brain must be thinking you're turning into a bigfeet..." His voice faded out as they walked out of earshot.

Zim blinked, unsure what that was all about, then turned to dig through the human's fridge.

"Hey, Zim," Gaz greeted as she came through the front door.

Zim tore open a candy bar with his teeth and waved it at her. "Hi, Gaz," he replied through a mouthful of chocolate.

"That better not be my Hershey's bar," she warned. Zim waved a hand dismissively.

"No, it has the name 'Dib' on it," he chuckled as he climbed onto the island counter to sit. Gaz sat on a barstool across from him.

"How've you been?" She asked as the two dived into casual conversation like they were normal non-alien people.

"Your brother tried to bludgeon me with sports equipment," Zim told her happily, like it had been time well spent.

"Maybe because you always eat his food," Gaz pointed out, gesturing to the chocolate bar he was messily devouring.

"No, I don't think that's it," Zim said, trailing off as he thought about it. He looked back at the purple-haired girl and asked, "What've you been up to?"

Gaz gestured to a row of shopping bags deposited by the door. "Shopping," she told him, "I went to the mall to get a new game. Then I noticed they were having a sale at Payless, so I bought some shoes."

"Yes, yes, you humans and your love for footwear variety," Zim laughed like it were the funniest joke, wiping a line of chocolate from his chin.

"Well, so they had a lot of heels there," Gaz told him, gesturing vaguely with her hands as she spoke, "And it got me thinking, since height is so important to irkens, why don't you guys ever wear heels? Especially you, Zim. Do you ever wear heels?"

"Of course not," Zim scoffed, a look on his face like she had just accused him of the highest treason, "Short irkens are not allowed to wear height-enhancing apparel. Any heel that is... What's the Earth measurement? Uh, three centimeters or taller, is prohibited. That is why, you will find, my heels are at an exact measurement of 2.9999 centimeters." He lifted his foot up to demonstrate.

"Come on, Zim, you can do better than that," Gaz said, looking at his boot unimpressed.

"How so?" Zim challenged, crossing his arms.

"Are your dumb leaders really gonna know if you wear high heels?"

"I suppose not, no, but-"

"Great," Gaz said, moving into the living room to dig through one of her bags, "Because I saw some two inch heeled boots that I thought would look great on you. So I bought them."

"You bought me shoes?" Zim cocked his head to the side. This was a new one, certainly unexpected. He _had_ always liked the prospect of heels, though.

Gaz returned with a shiny pair of black boots in hand. The bottoms had skinny little sticks poking off of them that Zim gave questioning looks. Was he suppose to balance on those?

He took off his old, familiar boots, letting them plop to the floor as he pulled on the new ones. They fit fine, although they didn't adjust to his foot shape like his highly advanced irken-made ones did. He dropped down from the counter, landing on the floor with a clack against the kitchen tile. He circled the island to stand next to Gaz, stumbling on the thin heels more than once.

Then he looked up at the girl, and instead of having his head reach up to her mid-chest, he found himself on eye-level with her chin. That was definitely an improvement. Why hadn't he thought of this sooner?

"This is great!" Zim announced, raising his fists in the air triumphantly

"Glad you like them, they were $50," Gaz said, unamused.

Just then, Dib came stumbling back down the hallway he had disappeared to, his face pale like he'd just gone through the scariest haunted house.

"What happened to you?" Gaz asked him.

Dib just raised his eyebrows. "You don't want to know."

"Hey Stink-brain!" Zim called, grabbing the boy's attention.

"Is that my chocolate bar?!" Dib shouted, noticing the half-eaten candy in Zim's hand.

"Yes it is!" Zim sneered from the other side of the counter, "What are you gonna do about it?"

"I'm gonna slice out your guts and give them names like _spleen_ and _kidney_!" Dib threatened.

And while that very prospect was horrifying to Zim, the irken just scoffed and egged, "Is that all?"

Dib pointed at him violently, starting to circle around the island. "I'm gonna stuff your dumb alien self into a giant test tube and put you on display so everyone can laugh at your weird alien bug eyes!"

"And then what?" Zim pushed with the tone of a child repeating the coined phrase, 'I know you are but what am I?'

"I'm gonna cut you into a million pieces while you're _still alive_ and livestream a video of it to your horrible leaders!"

Then he was halfway around the island and Zim realized it with a scream, stumbling back gracelessly on his new heels. He broke out into a sprint and the two began a chase, running in circles around the island counter.

Zim stumbled with his heels, his face colliding hard with the dirty floor. He wheezed as his breath escaped him, then quickly flipped himself around as he felt the human's presence sneaking up behind him.

Sure, he could use his PAK legs, skewer the boy right where he stood and be done with it, but why would he when this was the best part? When he felt that little thrill like his life was in actual danger was what made it all worth it to keep the human around. That, and his sister was pretty cool and might be upset if he murdered her brother.

So instead he slipped past Dib by diving beneath his legs and making a run for the door. Dib, being a pitiful human being, didn't have a quick enough reaction time, and tripped over his own feet and fell face first to the floor.

He lifted his head just in time to see Zim opening the front door and looking at the boy with a smirk.

"That's right! Run home and cry to your Tallest, Spaceboy!" Dib taunted, scrambling to his feet as Zim stepped casually the door.

"Same time tomorrow?" Zim asked.

"Yeah, of course," Dib said like it was obvious. He got up to shut the door behind the alien and turned to his sister. "Did he look taller to you?"


End file.
